Wednesday, 03 December 2008
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They say, the future's out to get you...
I'm only 14 and in year 10 at school. My boyfriend is in year 11. He's gonna be taking some exams soon, like this monday. He's calm as a cucumber. He never lets anything get to him, and that's why i admire him. I on the other hand worry myself ill sometimes. But, i have no need to worry. Apart from i'm a little bit behind in some lessons. But i'm not taking the life-changing exams yet. I'm just worried for him. If he won't worry about himself; i will.
But, he told me that he is actually worried. But he's gonna try and not be because he says that if he worries then he'll just screw everything up on the day. Which i understand.
We've been together for a year and three months. It's been blissful, up until recently. I'm a very nostaligic person, and often find my mind wandering off into the past, remembering the things that happened and where and when, and who with and why were they special and why were they not. And sometimes, it makes me cry. I remember one summer, last year. 2007. Possibly one of the best summers of my life. This was before i'd even met my boyfriend.
My friends and i were sitting in this field by a deep river where everyone goes to swim on hot days. The sky was the bluest blue i'd ever seen, and it was so so tranquil. We all sat in the long grass talking; rolling tabs; drinking. And just all getting on. (Bare in mind that these days, i don't smoke or drink, but i still enjoy sitting in long grass =] ). We all loved each other back then. Everything was blissful. And then, Autumn came, and most of us started at the High School. Matured. Independant. Not quite ready...
So, i like to remember those days. I keep them very close to my heart. And always in my mind. Even though that was over a year ago. I was so happy back then. And for ages i've still been very very happy. But, these days i'm finding myself being whisked away into nostalgic moments unconciously, without me even realising. Then i'm lost, and just can't come back. And it saddens me.
I'm convinced that me and Adam are not going to last forever. It's only temporary. Actually, it's only temporary if i think it is, but i feel in my blood that it isn't. And my heart. And my mind, and stomach and veins and arms and brain and liver etc. We've planned our future. Silly, isnt it? Well, we're going to have 3 horses, a HUGE house (He loves luxury), 2 dogs (Chihuahua for me), some tropical fish, a parot and at least 2 children. In his spare time, he will be an artist, (you might have worked out by now that he's a Leo. They love luxury, art and music. Just like him =] ), and i will be an author for children's books. But we'll both have well paid jobs and be very happy together. But he hates marriage. (He also hates children, but cos he is a proud Lion (Leo) he wants something to make him more proud and boast about). I'm a Taurus by the way. =] We're just silly little children.
Anyways, i can't help thinking. In a few months this might all be gone. Where will everything go? Him, his friends who i love too, his family, my friends, my family.... me. In a few months time, he's gonna be thrown out into the huge world and forced to walk on his own two feet alone. And, i love him so much.... i want to spend every thing that is going to change his life with him. He wants to travel the world. I hate travel. But he wants to take me. So i agreed. As long as we could find a house by the sea where we will set up our life. He agreed.
I want to go to collage, but whenever i look at choices i begin to think of past memories, and memories that might happen in this new unfamiliar surrounding. So i don't look at collage choices.
I just really want to be a part of his future. And, i want to know what's going to happen to everyone. And everything. And us.
Right, i'm crying so i'm going to stop writing. I feel so alone in this whole thought process, and if anyone can be arsed to read this, please would you make me feel less alone?
I'm just so scared.
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