I'm only 14 and in year 10 at school. My boyfriend is in year 11. He's gonna be taking some exams soon, like this monday. He's calm as a cucumber. He never lets anything get to him, and that's why i admire him. I on the other hand worry myself ill sometimes. But, i have no need to worry. Apart from i'm a little bit behind in some lessons. But i'm not taking the life-changing exams yet. I'm just worried for him. If he won't worry about himself; i will.

But, he told me that he is actually worried. But he's gonna try and not be because he says that if he worries then he'll just screw everything up on the day. Which i understand.

We've been together for a year and three months. It's been blissful, up until recently. I'm a very nostaligic person, and often find my mind wandering off into the past, remembering the things that happened and where and when, and who with and why were they special and why were they not. And sometimes, it makes me cry. I remember one summer, last year. 2007. Possibly one of the best summers of my life. This was before i'd even met my boyfriend.

My friends and i were sitting in this field by a deep river where everyone goes to swim on hot days. The sky was the bluest blue i'd ever seen, and it was so so tranquil. We all sat in the long grass talking; rolling tabs; drinking. And just all getting on. (Bare in mind that these days, i don't smoke or drink, but i still enjoy sitting in long grass =] ). We all loved each other back then. Everything was blissful. And then, Autumn came, and most of us started at the High School. Matured. Independant. Not quite ready...

So, i like to remember those days. I keep them very close to my heart. And always in my mind. Even though that was over a year ago. I was so happy back then. And for ages i've still been very very happy. But, these days i'm finding myself being whisked away into nostalgic moments unconciously, without me even realising. Then i'm lost, and just can't come back. And it saddens me.

I'm convinced that me and Adam are not going to last forever. It's only temporary. Actually, it's only temporary if i think it is, but i feel in my blood that it isn't. And my heart. And my mind, and stomach and veins and arms and brain and liver etc. We've planned our future. Silly, isnt it? Well, we're going to have 3 horses, a HUGE house (He loves luxury), 2 dogs (Chihuahua for me), some tropical fish, a parot and at least 2 children. In his spare time, he will be an artist, (you might have worked out by now that he's a Leo. They love luxury, art and music. Just like him =] ), and i will be an author for children's books. But we'll both have well paid jobs and be very happy together. But he hates marriage. (He also hates children, but cos he is a proud Lion (Leo) he wants something to make him more proud and boast about). I'm a Taurus by the way. =] We're just silly little children.

Anyways, i can't help thinking. In a few months this might all be gone. Where will everything go? Him, his friends who i love too, his family, my friends, my family.... me. In a few months time, he's gonna be thrown out into the huge world and forced to walk on his own two feet alone. And, i love him so much.... i want to spend every thing that is going to change his life with him. He wants to travel the world. I hate travel. But he wants to take me. So i agreed. As long as we could find a house by the sea where we will set up our life. He agreed.

I want to go to collage, but whenever i look at choices i begin to think of past memories, and memories that might happen in this new unfamiliar surrounding. So i don't look at collage choices.

I just really want to be a part of his future. And, i want to know what's going to happen to everyone. And everything. And us.

Right, i'm crying so i'm going to stop writing.  I feel so alone in this whole thought process, and if anyone can be arsed to read this, please would you make me feel less alone?

I'm just so scared.

I dont really care if you think i'm stupid.. but i wanna lose weight.

It shouldnt really be that hard to do, right?

Well, there's a really big problem there . . .

I

LOVE

FOOD!

Which just isnt fair. I generally have a very good metabolism. Right now i weigh 8st, but i wanna go down to 7st. It's such a struggle though. I mean, being a chocolate addict and all ....

My friend just pictures yummy foods as being something disgusting. I'm gonna try that too. But she used to eat cotton wool and crushed ice, because it fills you up. But i don't know if i wanna try that, i mean.. it could wreck my body. And as much as i wanna drop a stone as quickly as possible, i sure as hell don't wanna wreck my body in the process.

Well, now my friend is fasting until october. I would like to start fasting, because i LOVE that feeling when im really hungry. But i very rarely ever get hungry anyways. Because i eat so much. It's mostly just boredom hunger.

At school most of my friends just dont go into dinner, and just don't eat. I physically can't do that. I'm on free school dinners anyways, because my mum's unemployed, so i might as well go in for dinner.

And i think my boyfriend would start to worry if i started not going into dinner with him and our friends. Now,  i'm not an attention seeker or owt, but it is nice to be worried about sometimes. Just to remind you that you're cared for.

My sister used to eat nothing. She was like a stick, but then she started eating like loads, and now she's ballooned quite a bit. She's now sporting a dubble chin, which.. no offence to anyone but i find very disgusting.

Yep. I am DEFINETLY gonna try and start some form of a diet.

Can anyone offer some help though? I just wanna lose a stone don't worry! I'm not gonna go mad and become a size zero. Because right now i am a very fortunate size 8, and a bra size of 34B

So feel free to offer any adivce and shit =]

xx